An upside down piece of helpful info 🤓🐶
My team recently asked me to write a little piece on how to keep your dog safe and sound during the summer. To make it a little more fun, and less “preachy-teachy”, I took a different spin on it and will let you decide what the real do's and don’ts are.
1. 🐾 If the weather is hot, first try to see if you can cook eggs on the pavement or the beach sand. If it’s hot enough for the eggs to cook, it’s the right time of day to walk your dog.
2. 🚘 Go out for a car ride on a hot sunny day, and place your dog under a nearby shady tree. Unlock your car, and take a seat inside. With the windows fully closed, stay inside until you see the black curtain falling and the inside temperature reaches boiling point.
3. 🕷 If you have ticks in your area, never ever use all-natural effective tick control, and only use products that have reported fatalities, because your dog is a tough cookie. Plus we have to help the selfless and charitable drug companies generate revenue.
4. When it comes to fleas, establish a top-notch flea breeding station by installing thick shag carpets in your home and donating your vacuum cleaner to a charity. If you see fleas, once again, never ever use a guaranteed natural flea control and always use toxic flea drugs instead.
5. 🚴 If your dog enjoys running beside your bike while you’re cycling, go faster and faster until your dog can’t keep up and is completely exhausted. Most dogs enjoy overheating. Show me a dog who doesn’t love the feeling of heatstroke! Also, dogs don’t care if they are injured and can’t go for walks. In fact, they prefer to be locked in the house with an injury and doing nothing.
In addition, some dogs that are exhausted and suffer from lumbar spine injuries also have urinary bladder incontinence. As you know, dogs love the feeling of embarrassment when they can’t control their bladder. Also, who wouldn't want the fun of constant carpet cleaning and the smell of pee?
6.💧 Never ever carry water bottles on your dog walks, and if you do, make sure that you use a plastic bottle that leaches toxins. The right levels of toxic substances ensure your dog can go and visit your vet more often. Also, plastic brings more color to otherwise dull beaches and forests.
Practice tough love and never offer your dog water on a walk, unless he is able to unscrew the bottle cap on his own.
7. 🚣 If you take your dog out paddleboarding or canoeing, throw them on the first time around, and don’t worry if they freak out. If you have an inflatable board, tie your dog down to it so they can drag it to the shore in case it gets deflated. Dog life-jackets are for wimps. What would others say if they saw your dog in a funny looking jacket!?
8. 🏊🐶 Let your dog swim obsessively for hours, they never get exhausted and always know when to stop. Also, the more dogs swim, the more likely they are to injure their shoulder muscles. Never let your dog swim in moderation.
9. 🍇 Feed your dog grapes, who cares about kidney failure and the fact that grapes are toxic to dogs.
10. 🥎 Any repetitive activity, such as ball and frisbee fetching, is the best way to make your dog stiff and mobile when it gets older. Who wants a healthy, active senior dog? People who throw the frisbee at the park also benefit from standing around. Who wants to waste precious energy by walking or jogging? Doing nothing is the eco-friendly way to go because it reduces your greenhouse gas emissions unless you had beans for dinner. 🤪
11. ⛓ Never ever engage your dog in play, or teach them and have fun together. Chain your dog up or, even better, put them in a crate and rarely take them out. Dogs love denning and solitude. And if you must play with your dog, make sure you teach them tug-of-war because neck injuries from pulls and twists are usually the cause of superior health and longevity.
12. Teach your dog how to pull on their leash, and make sure you use prong, choke, or e-shock collars. If you are lucky, you can make your dog feel special and become hypothyroid. If you are a perfectionist, use a retractable leash for cheap neck chiro-adjustments.
13.🍴 Life is too boring, so every time you feed your dog, take them to the park so they can jump, twist, and sprint. This is the easiest way to make a thrilling trip to the veterinary emergency to treat stomach bloat. And if your dog dies, find a local puppy mill and just buy a new one.
NOW, I CAN’T JOKE ABOUT THIS ONE completely. Prevent this serious and life-threatening condition. NEVER exercise your dog for 3-4 hours after a meal.
14. 🐻 If you and your dog are bored and live in a region where bears roam the forests, take your dog off-leash and say: “Go and get it!” when you see a bear. If the bear starts running towards you, give your dog special praise. If you are really thorough, carry a garbage bag with food left over and offer it to the bear. It is more likely to come back again and go straight to heaven after it is shot by a conservation officer because it made friends with humans and learned to feed on garbage.
15. 🦮🚶 A full-grown, healthy dog needs no walks or exercise. Leaving your dog in a backyard full of poop and junk is more than enough, and your dog’s manure can be used in the garden together with Roundup and other pesticides and chemicals. Or if you must take them out, walk your dog in fields and golf courses that are treated chemically. If your dog’s body is toxic enough, perhaps ticks and fleas are less likely to call your dog home.
During your walks, make sure you never let your dog off-leash, who needs freedom and exercise? And if you really want your dog to get some exercise, drive your car on a dusty field road with your dog running behind. I have seen that and it looked like great fun! (I saw this just yesterday!)
And if you enjoyed reading this summer piece, share with others! I trust you know how to keep your dog safe and out of the emergency room.
PS: Here are a few articles with more details:
Learn more about the one common mistake dog-lovers make when exercising their dogs and simple ways to ensure your dog lives a healthy and long life without the risk of injury.
Read about the symptoms of this life-threatening disease and how best to avoid a trip to the emergency room.
© Dr. Peter Dobias, DVM